well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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