omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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