A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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