Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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