Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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