I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
