I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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