I cannot find my penis.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
