Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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