The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
