Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
