yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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