so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
