Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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