The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
