nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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