You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
