don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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