we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
