Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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