He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
