You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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