smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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