He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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