I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
i wish my penis had a tongue
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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