How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
