I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Randomize
