when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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