I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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