I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
