I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
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