I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
