Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
