the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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