Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
