in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
