Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
