i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
