I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
