I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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