Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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