when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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