Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
When are your genitals available?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
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