I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
