The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Randomize
