worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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