Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I did not marry a roomba.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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