I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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