walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
