Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
